There's A Light

I have been through some things in my life, and bounced back pretty hard. The only thing that I can't mentally process, is death. It never manage's to set in to me that the person that I love is gone. Today, I went to go visit the resting place of one of my closest friends Jacki. There was a point in my life, where I felt so alone and she was there for me.

So, I never went a grave before and it was an experience for me. To feel the emotion that I felt today was something very new to me. I felt the urge to cry, I felt the emotions of tears, but they didn't come. There was more of a flutter, more of a pull. I felt drawn to it. I know I am not making sense right now, but I am just typing as I feel.

She was one of the most important people in my life and I still can't fathom she is gone. I need to go see her more, I need to talk about her more. It is through those memories that I can keep her alive and I haven't done a very good job @ that.

I am sorry Jacki. I love you and miss you.

It Get's Better

How I feel today

Today, and the past week have been very hard for me. I have withdrawn from my family and friends somewhat. I stopped calling, returning texts etc....all I do is update my Facebook enough to where people think I am ok and just busy. On the inside, I feel defeated in a way. I feel like there is something that just isn't right. See, when I see me, I see the persona, not the person. I see what I put out there for everyone else, I see the jokes, the motions but I still don't see the real me.....I don't even know who that is yet....then I start questioning if maybe this is the real me. Maybe I am this shallow and vein, maybe I am this selfish and judgmental. Maybe what I really am unhappy with is the person I am, not that the person I was is any different. I have a great relationship right now and you would think that everything just magically would feel better. A huge part of me does, a huge part of me is very happy that I have found someone like Tim to build a family with and to grow old together.

There is just this part of me that feels that I am not living the way I was meant to. I always feel the why me. I always feel the lack of something that I can't describe. I always saw myself becoming famous, maybe it is a pipe dream. Maybe I need to accept the fact that I am just one of 6 Billion, trying to get through today.

Then I start saying that it isnt fair, another victim statement.

Randomness to Heal the Heart

So much has changed in my life. I am sitting on my couch, looking out the window watching fireworks over the mountain with Michael Jackson's This Is It on in the background and I can't help but think about where I am and where I have come from.

My life has been a roller coaster, huge turns, amazing tricks and some really low moments. A lot of people say that they would like to go back in time and change their past, I don't know if I would because it would take me away from where I am right now. Had I not have chosen to do certain things in my life, i wouldn't be writing this right now.

I was 19 when I entered into my relationship with my ex, which lasted 10 years of on and off bullshit. I can say that I was only happy during the first 2 or 3 years. The rest of the time I spent my time questioning what was wrong with me. If I could change anything, that would be it. Because the only thing wrong with me was the fact that I knew I wasn't happy and I didn't do anything about it. We moved to Tennessee, which I don't regret because it allowed me to meet amazing people that are still in my life and I thank God that I have met them. Moving so far away from my family showed me that I could manage to be that far from them, but that I didn't want to be.

I did things in that relationship to please my ex, things that I was not okay with. That, I regret......

Since I wasn't happy, I left and moved to Arizona where my sister was. In the process of trying to "find" myself I got suckered into going back to Tennessee...that I regret.....I shouldn't have gone. I knew that the person I was going back to had zero respect for me as a person, I knew that would never change. What I didn't know was that I was ready to move on. I wasn't in Tennessee for a week before I had decided to leave again. This time would be different. I sold my car to prevent me from driving back and used all of my frequent flyer miles on the ticket to get me away from him.

While I was in Arizona, I accepted a job in Las Vegas and moved back to live with my Dad. I didn't know how to be single, how to date, how to act as a normal person. I spent years being someones comfort that I didn't know how to be that to myself.

I made new friends at my new job, and tried to be normal. It was so hard being just....Joe.

I made a friend that I thought would be in my life forever, but like my late friend Jacki used to tell me, some people are in your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a life time. I now know that this person was in my life for a reason, and that was to be a partner to me and allow me the time to get over my ex. She was inseparable from my side, just like a partner.... Although this person and I do not speak now, I am glad she was there to teach me that I was a person and not a half of someone else.

While I was living with my parents, I met my boyfriend and soul-mate. I didn't think that I could or would ever feel the way that I feel now. For the first time, I feel that I am with someone that actually loves me, that actually cares for me and that I matter to. Tim is amazing to me and I know now what to not do and how things should operate in a relationship for me.

We have a beautiful apartment that I feel represents us both when you look at it and we share our lives together. I am no longer someones servant, punching bag or door mat. Tim wants the same things from life that I do, to get married....to have children....to have a normal life with each other.

This is why I do not wish that I could change the past, because if i didn't spend the amount of time with my ex, if I didn't spend the time with my ex friend, I never would be where I am today. I wouldn't be writing this, I wouldn't feel the hope and the love that I feel now. I would be the same person that allowed others to make my put myself last.

R.I.P. Marie DeSimone

Today, God opened his arms and took my dear cousin Marie home to his Kingdom. She was diagnosed 2 years ago with stage 4 colon cancer that had eventually spread throughout her entire body. Marie fought every step of the way and came back from countless rounds of chemotherapy and treatments.

However badly this family needed her, God must have needed her more because my cousin was a saint to walk the face of this earth. She was an amazing mother, wife, sister, daughter, cousin, and friend to all around her. The light that shined from within her made anyone in her presence feel loved and cherished. Marie's personality was one of humor, compassion and humility to which the world needed.

Her laugh was contagious and one of a kind. The mood around you didn't matter as long as you heard her laugh. She knew when you were upset and how to make it better. She knew when you needed laugh, and how to make you shine. She knew the way to your heart and for that, I can only feel joy and blessings that God graced her into this family.


Her son's Corey and Christopher had the pleasure of calling her Mom and having the type of mother that was not only a mother, but a friend. She was selfless and giving, and was that way until her dying days. The last time I was in New York and saw her was for Mothers day and I regret not being there more. But already, only hours after her death, I feel her. I feel her trying to comfort me and the rest of the family.

I pray that she has found her way to her father, my Uncle Sal and that they both watching and guiding our family through this time. The next few days will be trying, as a mother has lost her daughter, brothers and sisters have lost their rock, children have lost their beloved mother, a husband has lost his wife and a huge family has lost our Saint.

Although I am devastated at todays tragedy, I say thank you to Marie. Thank you for being the woman that you were. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for making me feel like I was your son when I was a child. Thank you for being the glue to this family. Thank you for never giving up when you had the strength.

Marie, I love you more than I can ever express in this blog, and not a day will go by when I will not think of you. Not a day will go by that I will not thank God for you being in my life. You are no longer in pain, you no longer need to fight. You have served your time here in a way that people strive 80 years to do. You lived a life of love, surrounded by love, surrounded by people that cared for you and that you cared for without expectation.

Rest In Peace Marie and worry not about us here. We will mourn your passing because you are gone too soon, but we will honor your life forever.

I Love You,

Joseph

Am I Proud?

You know, in todays world everyone has a stance that they must take. It is not something that is normally a part of their day to day activities, but just something that they personally believe in. So I was going to the bathroom and I started to think......

I am a 30 year old homosexual male, living in Las Vegas, Nevada. I can say that I am gay, but proud brings me into a whole different aura of feelings. Am I proud of who I am? Absolutely. Am I proud of the community I am a part of? No.

On Facebook (where I am kind of a big deal), I received an invitation from the HRC (Human Rights Coalition) to come to a fundraiser for Gay Rights. As I was reading the invitation, I noticed that it was in a night club and that they were offering a shot and beer bust. It was at that very instant that I found myself ashamed.

As an American, I feel that I deserve the right to be seen and treated the same as every other American, but people are stubborn. That I can accept. People have a perception in their minds about what a homosexual is, how they live their life and why we shouldn't be allowed the same rights as heterosexuals. I do not feel that GLAAD,The HRC, or any other organization has taken steps to educate the rest of the country as to the broad spectrum of homosexual lifestyles.

I consider myself average. I have a boyfriend that I live with. Our life is "normal" looking from a heterosexual vantage point. We don't go clubbing, do drugs, dress up or anything that your "stereotypical" homosexual does other than fornicate. We want to get married, have children, buy a house and make a family. When the media portrays homosexuals during any political vote or hearing, they only show the most flamboyant, ridiculous and stereotypical people; much like any other community. If an African-American robbed a bank and caused a riot, they wouldn't show your typical family or person on TV, it would be the stereotype.

It is because of these events I feel that we have made such little progress. It is also my feeling that we are losing valuable time fighting for a word. While I believe we should all be treated equally and afforded the same civil liberties, thousands sit in a hospital waiting room because we are fighting for the word "Marriage". In my opinion, if the community was focused more on the rights than the word, we would be worlds ahead of where we are today. I have sat in a waiting room and told that I wasn't a family member before. I was told that if my partner died today that his family can take what they want no matter what legally binding contract was written. As you read this, someones partner is ill and alone. Someones last directive was not followed. Someone wished for that last chance to say goodbye.

I have received backlash from other homosexuals on my thoughts on this subject, and I welcome it. It is not until people start talking that we can accomplish our goals. The next time you hear someone call another person a faggot, if you are gay, check them on it. The next time you have the chance to tell someone who we really are, take advantage of it. If you are not gay, but have a family member or friend that is, we rely on you too to do the same as us.

I am not telling everyone to vote a certain way. I am asking you to look at yourself and say, how does allowing this group of people to do this effect me and my life? If I got married, would you still wake up next to your husband or wife in the morning? Would your kid still go to soccer practice? Would you still have a job? Your life goes on and you have the power to ensure that mine starts!

Again, I am a 30 year old homosexual and I am proud of who I am!