Randomness to Heal the Heart

So much has changed in my life. I am sitting on my couch, looking out the window watching fireworks over the mountain with Michael Jackson's This Is It on in the background and I can't help but think about where I am and where I have come from.

My life has been a roller coaster, huge turns, amazing tricks and some really low moments. A lot of people say that they would like to go back in time and change their past, I don't know if I would because it would take me away from where I am right now. Had I not have chosen to do certain things in my life, i wouldn't be writing this right now.

I was 19 when I entered into my relationship with my ex, which lasted 10 years of on and off bullshit. I can say that I was only happy during the first 2 or 3 years. The rest of the time I spent my time questioning what was wrong with me. If I could change anything, that would be it. Because the only thing wrong with me was the fact that I knew I wasn't happy and I didn't do anything about it. We moved to Tennessee, which I don't regret because it allowed me to meet amazing people that are still in my life and I thank God that I have met them. Moving so far away from my family showed me that I could manage to be that far from them, but that I didn't want to be.

I did things in that relationship to please my ex, things that I was not okay with. That, I regret......

Since I wasn't happy, I left and moved to Arizona where my sister was. In the process of trying to "find" myself I got suckered into going back to Tennessee...that I regret.....I shouldn't have gone. I knew that the person I was going back to had zero respect for me as a person, I knew that would never change. What I didn't know was that I was ready to move on. I wasn't in Tennessee for a week before I had decided to leave again. This time would be different. I sold my car to prevent me from driving back and used all of my frequent flyer miles on the ticket to get me away from him.

While I was in Arizona, I accepted a job in Las Vegas and moved back to live with my Dad. I didn't know how to be single, how to date, how to act as a normal person. I spent years being someones comfort that I didn't know how to be that to myself.

I made new friends at my new job, and tried to be normal. It was so hard being just....Joe.

I made a friend that I thought would be in my life forever, but like my late friend Jacki used to tell me, some people are in your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a life time. I now know that this person was in my life for a reason, and that was to be a partner to me and allow me the time to get over my ex. She was inseparable from my side, just like a partner.... Although this person and I do not speak now, I am glad she was there to teach me that I was a person and not a half of someone else.

While I was living with my parents, I met my boyfriend and soul-mate. I didn't think that I could or would ever feel the way that I feel now. For the first time, I feel that I am with someone that actually loves me, that actually cares for me and that I matter to. Tim is amazing to me and I know now what to not do and how things should operate in a relationship for me.

We have a beautiful apartment that I feel represents us both when you look at it and we share our lives together. I am no longer someones servant, punching bag or door mat. Tim wants the same things from life that I do, to get married....to have children....to have a normal life with each other.

This is why I do not wish that I could change the past, because if i didn't spend the amount of time with my ex, if I didn't spend the time with my ex friend, I never would be where I am today. I wouldn't be writing this, I wouldn't feel the hope and the love that I feel now. I would be the same person that allowed others to make my put myself last.