Today, and the past week have been very hard for me. I have withdrawn from my family and friends somewhat. I stopped calling, returning texts etc....all I do is update my Facebook enough to where people think I am ok and just busy. On the inside, I feel defeated in a way. I feel like there is something that just isn't right. See, when I see me, I see the persona, not the person. I see what I put out there for everyone else, I see the jokes, the motions but I still don't see the real me.....I don't even know who that is yet....then I start questioning if maybe this is the real me. Maybe I am this shallow and vein, maybe I am this selfish and judgmental. Maybe what I really am unhappy with is the person I am, not that the person I was is any different. I have a great relationship right now and you would think that everything just magically would feel better. A huge part of me does, a huge part of me is very happy that I have found someone like Tim to build a family with and to grow old together.
There is just this part of me that feels that I am not living the way I was meant to. I always feel the why me. I always feel the lack of something that I can't describe. I always saw myself becoming famous, maybe it is a pipe dream. Maybe I need to accept the fact that I am just one of 6 Billion, trying to get through today.
Then I start saying that it isnt fair, another victim statement.
About Me
- 2 Boys
- Las Vegas, Nevada, United States
- We are a married gay couple starting on the path of parenthood! This place will be used for us to share our experience, the feelings, the questions and the advice we need!!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Randomness to Heal the Heart
So much has changed in my life. I am sitting on my couch, looking out the window watching fireworks over the mountain with Michael Jackson's This Is It on in the background and I can't help but think about where I am and where I have come from.
My life has been a roller coaster, huge turns, amazing tricks and some really low moments. A lot of people say that they would like to go back in time and change their past, I don't know if I would because it would take me away from where I am right now. Had I not have chosen to do certain things in my life, i wouldn't be writing this right now.
I was 19 when I entered into my relationship with my ex, which lasted 10 years of on and off bullshit. I can say that I was only happy during the first 2 or 3 years. The rest of the time I spent my time questioning what was wrong with me. If I could change anything, that would be it. Because the only thing wrong with me was the fact that I knew I wasn't happy and I didn't do anything about it. We moved to Tennessee, which I don't regret because it allowed me to meet amazing people that are still in my life and I thank God that I have met them. Moving so far away from my family showed me that I could manage to be that far from them, but that I didn't want to be.
I did things in that relationship to please my ex, things that I was not okay with. That, I regret......
Since I wasn't happy, I left and moved to Arizona where my sister was. In the process of trying to "find" myself I got suckered into going back to Tennessee...that I regret.....I shouldn't have gone. I knew that the person I was going back to had zero respect for me as a person, I knew that would never change. What I didn't know was that I was ready to move on. I wasn't in Tennessee for a week before I had decided to leave again. This time would be different. I sold my car to prevent me from driving back and used all of my frequent flyer miles on the ticket to get me away from him.
While I was in Arizona, I accepted a job in Las Vegas and moved back to live with my Dad. I didn't know how to be single, how to date, how to act as a normal person. I spent years being someones comfort that I didn't know how to be that to myself.
I made new friends at my new job, and tried to be normal. It was so hard being just....Joe.
I made a friend that I thought would be in my life forever, but like my late friend Jacki used to tell me, some people are in your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a life time. I now know that this person was in my life for a reason, and that was to be a partner to me and allow me the time to get over my ex. She was inseparable from my side, just like a partner.... Although this person and I do not speak now, I am glad she was there to teach me that I was a person and not a half of someone else.
While I was living with my parents, I met my boyfriend and soul-mate. I didn't think that I could or would ever feel the way that I feel now. For the first time, I feel that I am with someone that actually loves me, that actually cares for me and that I matter to. Tim is amazing to me and I know now what to not do and how things should operate in a relationship for me.
We have a beautiful apartment that I feel represents us both when you look at it and we share our lives together. I am no longer someones servant, punching bag or door mat. Tim wants the same things from life that I do, to get married....to have children....to have a normal life with each other.
This is why I do not wish that I could change the past, because if i didn't spend the amount of time with my ex, if I didn't spend the time with my ex friend, I never would be where I am today. I wouldn't be writing this, I wouldn't feel the hope and the love that I feel now. I would be the same person that allowed others to make my put myself last.
My life has been a roller coaster, huge turns, amazing tricks and some really low moments. A lot of people say that they would like to go back in time and change their past, I don't know if I would because it would take me away from where I am right now. Had I not have chosen to do certain things in my life, i wouldn't be writing this right now.
I was 19 when I entered into my relationship with my ex, which lasted 10 years of on and off bullshit. I can say that I was only happy during the first 2 or 3 years. The rest of the time I spent my time questioning what was wrong with me. If I could change anything, that would be it. Because the only thing wrong with me was the fact that I knew I wasn't happy and I didn't do anything about it. We moved to Tennessee, which I don't regret because it allowed me to meet amazing people that are still in my life and I thank God that I have met them. Moving so far away from my family showed me that I could manage to be that far from them, but that I didn't want to be.
I did things in that relationship to please my ex, things that I was not okay with. That, I regret......
Since I wasn't happy, I left and moved to Arizona where my sister was. In the process of trying to "find" myself I got suckered into going back to Tennessee...that I regret.....I shouldn't have gone. I knew that the person I was going back to had zero respect for me as a person, I knew that would never change. What I didn't know was that I was ready to move on. I wasn't in Tennessee for a week before I had decided to leave again. This time would be different. I sold my car to prevent me from driving back and used all of my frequent flyer miles on the ticket to get me away from him.
While I was in Arizona, I accepted a job in Las Vegas and moved back to live with my Dad. I didn't know how to be single, how to date, how to act as a normal person. I spent years being someones comfort that I didn't know how to be that to myself.
I made new friends at my new job, and tried to be normal. It was so hard being just....Joe.
I made a friend that I thought would be in my life forever, but like my late friend Jacki used to tell me, some people are in your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a life time. I now know that this person was in my life for a reason, and that was to be a partner to me and allow me the time to get over my ex. She was inseparable from my side, just like a partner.... Although this person and I do not speak now, I am glad she was there to teach me that I was a person and not a half of someone else.
While I was living with my parents, I met my boyfriend and soul-mate. I didn't think that I could or would ever feel the way that I feel now. For the first time, I feel that I am with someone that actually loves me, that actually cares for me and that I matter to. Tim is amazing to me and I know now what to not do and how things should operate in a relationship for me.
We have a beautiful apartment that I feel represents us both when you look at it and we share our lives together. I am no longer someones servant, punching bag or door mat. Tim wants the same things from life that I do, to get married....to have children....to have a normal life with each other.
This is why I do not wish that I could change the past, because if i didn't spend the amount of time with my ex, if I didn't spend the time with my ex friend, I never would be where I am today. I wouldn't be writing this, I wouldn't feel the hope and the love that I feel now. I would be the same person that allowed others to make my put myself last.
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